Friday, September 9, 2011

Womanhood, feels like... nothing

What does womanhood feel like?
For the last 9 months and 28 days I've been living as a woman all day, every day. At home, at work, and out in the world I am a woman. Whether I'm exercising or relaxing, spending time with friends or alone I am me.

I know that many transgender woman who haven't transitioned long for a few brief hours to express themselves. Like a child before Christmas morning they're enraptured by the experience, and the intoxication of being yourself seeps into your pores like an addictive drug. You might find yourself swinging from highs to lows based on how true you've been to your soul this week, or this month.

I've had a few ladies mention to me that they'd love to present as a woman whenever they want - no doubt anticipating the rapture that authentic living provides. But what does womanhood feel like?

The Resonance
In my experience womanhood feels like nothing. There is no spectacular fireworks display and no mind blowing bliss - merely the harmony of life dancing in time with itself. The song that was sung out of key is now as it should be. The notes in my soul resonate, and create a melody where before there was noise. But the music doesn't overwhelm you with it's presence. This is no rock concert that shocks your system awake. Rather, it's the gentle lapping of waves on the shore - bringing peace, bringing calm. Ultimately it's the backing vocals to the symphony of your life. Enhancing and supporting, never leading.

To me, being a woman feels like the most natural thing in the world. It feels as how everything was meant to be - it's not something special, it's just who I am. My transition hasn't solved all my problems, but it has allowed me to approach them without a cacophony of discordance drowning my life force.

Womanhood feels like nothing, and that's the best thing I could ever have hoped for.

If you've transitioned, how would you describe your feeling of womanhood?
If you haven't, how do you imagine womanhood would feel?

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Photo courtesy of nathalielaurie

13 comments:

  1. mrsetter@aapt.net.auSeptember 9, 2011 at 11:29 PM

    loved it ,i my self am going to start living for time as a women from december ,and you are thinking so will i am a full time member of the
    Australian Army so when i go back to work after Christmas holidays i will
    be full time women in the army i hope i can speak like the story above
    and it all goes well

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  2. Yeah, this is what I'd expect. Only a drowning person spends their time thinking about air.

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  3. Phew - good luck in the army! I can imagine that's a challenging place to be full time.

    Julian, lovely turn of phrase!

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  4. I've been fulltime for almost two years. For me the biggest change was that the mind-chatter vanished overnight. The persistent, inescapable, inaudible but always there head noise saying things like "Be a man; boys don't do that; don't be such a softie" had been a constant stress in my life. It was truly amazing to be suddenly free of it - I no longer had to play at being something I wasn't. I could finally be the someone I AM without guilt or conflict. And yes, it felt so natural that it felt like ... well, nothing.

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  5. Great description Stephanie!
    Sometimes I use the analogy that before there was constant static in my mind, and afterwards everything got quiet, so for the first time I could enjoy and appreciate life.

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  6. It has been since April for me. Dealing with gatekeepers for years before that (and they're a large factor of why it was for years) caused that moment to have a wonderful sense of relief that after so many years of being forced to bow to the whims of the gatekeepers for poor treatment that was meager progress I had attained something very important, done so for myself, and done so in a way that meant they could never take that away from me or deny me that.

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  7. Oh my goodness hon - I would've gone crazy if I had to wait years, as it is I'm just barely clinging on to get my final op a year after I went full time.

    Congratulations dear! I'm so glad you got through it!

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  8. I envy you on being on track for surgery. It is financially out of reach at this time for me and I cannot guess when that will change. This was something of which I was aware years ago, though, so I set about figuring out how to deal with it - what would I do if I am never able to have surgery? I decided it was still the right thing for me to do.

    IMHO, the delays did have an advantage - I had nothing but time to think. Many (though certainly not all) of the things others have reported dealing with after social transition weren't so for me for that reason. It was similar about my first day at work; I was not at all nervous probably because I had stood before those coworkers three business days previous and told them that I was transitioning.

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  9. Hang in there hon - I'm proud of you for finding meaning within the adversity! You'll get there eventually dear.

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  10. Been full-time for over two years, birth certificate in my new name (but old gender still) in July 2009 marked the beginning although work and church caught up some months later. You and some other readers have expressed the feeling of womanhood well. I ditto that - even the bad days now have a background peace that makes the day alright anyway, and the problems more manageable.

    There is a difference though - we've never experienced or had to manage the joys of the reproduction aspect of womanhood, not even managing when it doesn't work as it should. That aspect has been largely invisible to us and yet it unspeakingly links genetic women in a way we'll never know. Conversations with women happen more naturally now, about family, hair, to name a couple, but I wonder about whether there's an unspoken assumption that I know what bad cramps or heavy periods are like, or about the routine of taking a pill or risking pregnancy.

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  11. Hey Julie,

    Congrats on starting your journey!

    I fret about that sometimes - that I'll never fully know what it's like to be a woman. I'll never have a girlhood. I'll never get pregnant. To be honest, I'm okay with not knowing PMS :) Though I'd exchange PMS for the ability to get pregnant any day of the week. And twice on Sundays.

    Heh, I had my first period conversation a few months back. As you say, it was awkward...

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  13. Vanessa,

    I agree after I started my full-time journey four years ago, everything just fell into place like it was supposed to be. It didn't really feel any different, it just felt natural and finally right.

    Like Julie I too have my documents done (except for that one little marker).

    I guess I was blessed by having two older sisters because last year when I was with a group of ladies and the conversation turned to pregnancy and periods it wasn't awkward at all for me. I basically just went with the flow.

    I too would gladly exchange this birth defect for PMS and the ability to get pregnant any day.

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